Colonoscopies are your friend
Those of us on the far side of fifty know that you start having to do all kinds of extra things to keep your health, things you would not have imagined you would have to do to maintain this (gestures to body).
Today I want to tell you about one of those things, the colonoscopy. I’ll talk about what it is, what it’s for, and what it’s like to go through with the procedure. How many of you have had one already (raise hands)?
Both my father and my grandfather had colon cancer so I’ve also already done this several times. By now it’s like getting my teeth cleaned.
Colonoscopy is your friend
- A friend helps you live a better life
- A friend may put you through some trouble but it’s worth it
- A friend has your best interests at heart
I’ve come to think of colonoscopies as a visit from a friend who comes to town occasionally – we drink a lot, have a crazy time, pass out, and when it’s all over I’ve learned something and feel better about myself.
What is a colonoscopy and why would you have one?
Colon cancer is one of the top three most common cancers. The reason is because colon tissue generates quickly, and there is a higher chance of cancer developing in that type of tissue. Also, the colon gets exposed to higher rates of environmental toxins, and that can cause mutations in your gut that turn into tumors. Which is why diets high in processed meats, fats, and sugars tend to increase colon cancer, whereas diets high in fiber tend to prevent colon cancer.
A colonoscopy is a medical procedure in which a doctor puts a flexible scope up your rectum and checks for abnormalities or polyps, which could be precancerous or even cancer itself. They can also remove growths and take tissue samples during the procedure. The University of Michigan reports that they find polyps in at least 25 percent of men and women over the age of 50 through colonoscopies.
It’s a kind of exploratory surgery, but because they go in through an already-existing hole, they don’t have to cut you open and then sew you back up.
What it’s like
A colonoscopy is a medical procedure in which the physician puts a flexible scope into your colon and checks for tumors. But that’s just the actual procedure.
There’s a whole other part that comes before that, the prep work in which you set aside the time beforehand to clean out your body, so that the doctor has a clear view of your insides.
Here’s where I like to think of my friend, the colonoscopy, as a wild Hollywood fad dieter. You know how in California, they have various diet crazes like eating only pineapple, or kale smoothies, or quinoa bowls? Imagine you have a friend who adheres to a seed-free diet. That friend has come to visit for three days. For those three days, you want to be a good host, so you too, will avoid eating seeds for three days. That means no tomatoes, sesame seeds, kiwi, berries, granola, or popcorn. For some reason your friend is also on a LOW-fiber kick: no whole grains, nuts, dried fruit, or raw fruits or vegetables.
So that’s the first three days. But that’s not enough for your friend. She’s on a crash diet kick as well. So on the fourth day, she decides you’re going to skip eating for a day. And no red, purple, or blue-tinted liquids. Only lemonade, Sprite, green Gatorade, clear chicken broth, that kind of thing. Oh, you can have jello, or popsicles. But realistically you’re going to be so busy getting ready for the main evening event that you’ll be too distracted to worry about not eating.
Now the night before you do your colonoscopy is going to be intense. You’ve gone to the pharmacy. You’ve picked up your prescription laxative. In fact you take two kinds: a pill at 4 pm and a mixable powder that goes into a half gallon of gatorade. You take it in the evening. It’s just you and your friend, hanging out at home.
Think of it as having a really cheap, salty margarita. It’s so bad you can barely taste the tequila. In fact there’s no alcohol in it at all. But because it’s so cheap you bought a huge amount, a half gallon. You’re swigging it down until you think you might throw up.
Next thing you know, you’ve got the trots. Like a bad night at the bar, except thankfully you’re at home. You’re on the toilet off and on for what seems like hours. Pretty soon when you go to the toilet, there’s nothing left for you to poop but just clear liquid. Maybe now you can sleep a little. Because next morning is the big event!!
Step back for just a minute because when you go in for your colonoscopy, they will require you to have a real friend to drive you home. You’ll be sedated and you will need an escort.
In the morning you and your real friend go in to the hospital or clinic. You sign in, get into a hospital gown. Then they put you under and do all their procedures – and make a video of it – but you probably won’t feel or remember anything.
When you wake up they’ll tell you if they found anything but you’ll probably be a little groggy and out of it. Your friend will drive you home and you’re free to eat again. But it was a pretty wild ride there for a few days. You did it! You survived a visit from your friend, the colonoscopy.